The Tumblr Revival No One Asked For

So, I was going to announce a revival of Tumblr in my April Fool’s Day, but instead I found out I had the gift of prophecy. While conducting my preliminary research a few days later, I learned that TikTokers are in fact “discover” and join Tumblr in treasures. Turns out they think the cursed blue hell site is some sort of charming archaic relic that can fuel their pseudo-grunge e-girl aesthetic. Like wild animals offered foreign food, we Tumblr veterans have tentatively sniffed out newbie blogs, preparing to protect our turf if necessary. After all, we’ve been here for over eight years, we’ve suffered the specific kind of brain damage that only comes from witnessing the birth of messages like thisand we don’t have a good track record of change.

From the creator of Tumblr, David (dad) Karp, allowed Yahoo! To ban pornographic material from the microblogging platform, touch-hungry teenagers and mildly pedophile middle-aged Tumblr users migrated to digital platforms that still allowed them to get horny on their hands. The current owner, Automttic, has done an even shittier job of running the platform, opting to offer users a lot of ads targeted at bullet razors (whether they have bullets or not), instead to eventually sell Tumblr to its rightful owner, Pornhub.

So, yeah, the platform has been pretty much dead since 2018, haunted only by Tumblr gremlins like me who feel a nostalgic obligation to maintain their blog. Now, with the influx of today’s hot young dancers onto the ungodly hellscape that is Tumblr, it feels like a repeat of the Cole Sprouse Social Experiment from 2012. It could allow One Direction fan creation “I was born in the wrong generation”. We run the risk of 5SOS-turned-K-pop-flipping-5SOS stans wearing ripped skinny jeans and silly flannels around their waist again. The SuperWhoLock fandom can resurrect once again and no amount of beating them with a stick will be effective in sending them back to the hellfire they came from this time.

Fortunately, none of this has happened yet. After laughing at newbies floundering trying to gain subscribers on a site where the algorithm is not on their side and the tag system is more to sort esoteric thoughts rather than sorting content by category, many veterans have taken on the roles of older siblings, creating and reblogging posts intended to acquaint influencers with the norms and quirks of doing it on Tumblr. Personally, I’m looking forward to someone explaining to them the difference between smut, fluff, fanfics, imagines, and one-shots, and creating a comprehensive guide to Tumblr lore, including no pizza with beef leftthe Mishapocalypse, this infernal”Do you like the color of the sky” post, and To copyour beloved.

Maybe some good will come out of this ungodly Tumblr/TikTok marriage after all. Perhaps these new TikTokers could join the campaign to “make Coppy the permanent installment it was always meant to be.” For context, the (derogatory) Tumblr staff let us emotionally bond with their 2015 April Fool’s prank, Coppy the Copy Machine, and then forced us to watch it die before our eyes at midnight. Tumblr users traumatized by Coppy’s death have been leading the campaign for seven years, and staff have continued to laugh in our faces. Speaking of April Fools, I hope newbies have fun summoning (and getting attached to) Crabs on their dashboard this year. Welcome to Tumblr!

If this TumblTokers™ appearance brings Tumblr back to mainstream popularity, I can’t wait to stop cringing and turn my screen brightness down completely if the app decides to open while I’m in public. I look forward to the return of sparkling slider tracks, aesthetic desktop and phone blog layouts, html customization, and scrolling of the same 12-piece set chronologically reblogged nine times in a row. Yes, I hope TikTokers prove to be the saviors of my favorite sadistic platform to die; I’ve been willing to pull out my flannel for years.

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